My Own Hero

Hey buddy! Where did your blog go??? Send me an email so I can write you back.

Life

Life is finally resembling something of a more normal pattern. Work, eat, sleep, school, repeat. I like this routine. Routine is good, it's what keeps me sane. I love driving to work and passing the trees and the green grass with the dew glistening off the blades. I like looking at the mountains in the distance as the clouds roll gently down their slopes. I like my life again. I no longer feel that nagging anxiety at what may come next. I don't know and that's ok. Life is an adventure and I'm just along for the ride. I like riding the light rail and passing the abandoned buildings and wondering what great things used to be made in there. I like sitting quietly and enjoying the silence. I don't jump at loud noises anymore or think every thud is a mortar. Life is good.

Glimmer

There is finally a glimmer of hope sprouting through. The meds are making me feel MUCH better. I think there is a normal person in here somewhere trying to get back out. Anyway, I have had some positive things starting to happen. I've gotten some monkeys off of my back and I can let a huge sigh of relief go now. I see the stresses I was experiencing last week starting to melt away. I'm starting to find peace again. This is such a great feeling. I'm still going to keep my appt. at the VA, because I think talking about it and letting it go will be a huge step on the road to getting my life back.
My contract is up next May, and I am really unsure about what I'm going to do. I like having the military as a safety net in case the "real" world doesn't provide income for me, but part of me just wants to walk away and not look back. I feel I have fulfilled my duty to myself and to my country. I think I can walk away with my head held high. But, I'm not going to make this decision overnight nor in the present time. Just something to be thinking about.
I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm ok and I'm getting much better. Thanks to you all for the support you have shown me once again!!!!!!!

The Pieces

Here I sit at 0014 and can't sleep.....again. It seems lately this is becoming a theme. I can't figure out what has gone so wrong since I left Iraq. All the dreams and plans that I was holding so dear have slipped through my fingers. I feel like the pieces of me are being scattered to the wind. I'm falling apart. I sit in my apartment and cry for no reason, but for lots of reasons. I had a flashback the other day at all places the zoo. There was a display that had a sound of something which I have no idea. All I do know is when that kid pushed that red button to play the sound I panicked. It was the exact sound the Klaxon made when the incoming alarm was sounded. I have never had that feeling before and I was immediately flashed to Iraq. I felt so stupid because I actually put my hand out and started to lean as if getting ready to hit the deck. It was the most bazaar feeling I have ever had and one that I don't wish to repeat. I have heard the stories of PTSD flashbacks, and I can honestly say I have experienced my first. I still don't have a job. I have applied to about 30 so far and not received even one call. I am starting to wonder if my once great military experience is now coming back to haunt me. Are employers really that afraid to hire vets because we might get called back to active duty? This is crazy. I have broken up with the guy that I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. Seems things just don't always turn out the way we want them to. But, for some reason I can't stop thinking about him. He is still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. Hence why I can't sleep most nights. I've joined a gym to try and get my mind off of things, but lately I just don't want to leave the apartment. I have gone on antidepressants and I have an appointment with the VA to try and get some counseling. I never in a million years imagined I would have this much trouble coming back from a customs mission. What the heck is wrong with me??? I can't seem to fit all the pieces back together again.

Still Alive

Yes, I'm still alive and well. I have finally moved to Colorado and trying to get settled in. Geez I have a lot of shit! Where in the hell did I get all of this shit from and why in the hell have I been packing it around for all these years. There have been some changes in my life that I won't go into detail, but I'm turning a new page in my life and I think cleaning out all the old crap is helping me deal with the changes. Change is very hard, very hard and when life doesn't always go the way you think it should, it sucks even more. But, I have to take care of me because no one else will. I have cried my tears and I'm trying to suck it up and put my big girl panties on and deal with the decisions I have made. I have a lot of positive things going for me right now, so I'm trying really hard to focus on those and not look back, but it still sucks. Ok, I have to move on from that subject now.
Anyway, I'm sponging off Uncle Sam for a bit until I can find a job, but with the way the economy is going, that may be the entire 6 months that I am eligible for. I have applied for some really good jobs, ones that require security clearances which I have so I'm crossing fingers that I will find something soon. All this time on my hands is driving me nuts! When you have spent almost a year with something to do pretty much every minute you are awake, down time is hard to deal with. I did some retail therapy the other day and bought an Xbox 360 with RockBand. Now, I'm having buyers remorse and it's going back tomorrow. I don't have any furniture and I really can't justify having a $500 toy and nothing to sit on. So, my conscience is getting the best of me and it's going back. It was fun for the couple of days that I had it though. It's also not the same playing RockBand by yourself...that's definitely a group activity!
I went and registered with the VA last week and let me tell you, they have come a long way with Vet benefits! I now have FULL medical coverage for 5 years and then I still have coverage for the rest of my life after that, but will have to pay a small copay. WOW!! As a single person what more could I ask for?? Medical coverage is very expensive and to know that I really won't ever spend a dime for the next 5 years is a huge relief! So, thank you to the government for finally stepping up to the plate and treating vets with the respect they deserve.
Well, I hope everyone is doing well the first part of the year!!!!
Until next time..peace!

Getting better

Things are getting much better for me after having been home for a bit now. I'm talking about my experiences with my mom more and I'm starting to relax and not worry about the future so much. I'm really getting excited about my trip to NYC!! Today is Christmas. This is the first Christmas without my uncle so my mom and I are going to go to a movie today to get our minds off being sad. Time heals all wounds.

Is this it??

Is this what I have to look forward to now? Days filled with wishing I was anywhere else but home. I don't fit in here. I went to the mall yesterday and as I was walking around I felt so alone in a crowded place. For the past 10 months I have been surrounded by people who knew exactly what I was going through because they were going through it right along with me. Now, I'm thrust back into a world that could care less. Their biggest worry is cutting you off to get to the red sweater across the aisle before you do. I don't think we could have come back from deployment at a worse time of year.....Christmas. A time filled with joy and peace. HA! That's a joke! There is nothing joyous or peaceful about returning right now. This is what I had wanted for so long..to get out of Balad and back home, but now I just want to go back to my friends. Even my boyfriend who lives in one of the biggest cities says things just don't feel right anymore. My mom doesn't understand and I don't expect her to. She just lays on the guilt trip if I take off to go stay with my friend who I just spent the past 8 months living with. I guess I'm supposed to be the good daughter and spend every waking minute with my mom because she hasn't seen me for the past 10 months. But, I don't even feel like talking to her most of the time and I have to force myself to for a good show. Is this it?? Is this what my life is going to be like now??????