Ahhhh...

Fall is here. The sights and smells of autumn. Love this time of year. Leaves crunching underfoot and the wisp of wood burning in the air. The crip mornings and the sunny afternoons. Now, if only I had that special someone to share this special time with. (sigh)

Woohoo!!

After 17 years of bouncing around and 4 different College/Universities I have FINALLY graduated with my AA degree. It was official yesterday. Yippee. I can't begin to describe how proud of my accomplishment I am. It is the best feeling knowing that I finally finished something I started. Watch out no stopping me now. I'm in my first semester of my BA degree as we speak.

New Look

I've decided to give my page a new look. In with the new out with the old. Like a breath of fresh air. Anywho...I'm just about finished with my associates degree.......FINALLY!! I have not had a life the past 6 months and I'm tired. My brain is fried and it's time to party.

So, we had this freakish hail storm the other day and my little car was carefully tucked in under my covered parking space and I thought, "shew, it's safe". WRONG! Of course not, I can't get off that easy. For some strange reason Colorado hates my car. I have dumped about $2000 into my car since moving here the end of January. I'm not sure if I have angered the God's or if it's time to start thinking of getting a new car. But, boy the thought of having a car payment again is not a welcomed thought. Ugh, I digress. Ok, so I go out after the ping-pong-sized-meteors stopped pummelling my car to assess the damage and it's dark so everything looks hunky-dory. I breath my sigh of relief and go back to bed. Morning comes, I drive to work and still don't see anything. I'm thinking could I really have gotten off that easy? Nope, no way, not a chance. When I come out that afternoon, what do my wondering eyes see??? Why it's a zillion dents in the trunk of my car. Whoohoo I'm elated! I get to drop yet another large sum of money on my car to get this fixed. Yay!!! It could have been worse. Most cars have been totaled by the storm damage, so I GUESS I'm lucky.
Moving on....I'm going to the Rocky Mountain Gator Club picnic tomorrow, so I'm super excited to actually get out and be amongst the living for a couple of hours. I so need to start meeting people and get on with living instead of being my normal hermit self cooped up just doing homework.

My Own Hero

Hey buddy! Where did your blog go??? Send me an email so I can write you back.

Life

Life is finally resembling something of a more normal pattern. Work, eat, sleep, school, repeat. I like this routine. Routine is good, it's what keeps me sane. I love driving to work and passing the trees and the green grass with the dew glistening off the blades. I like looking at the mountains in the distance as the clouds roll gently down their slopes. I like my life again. I no longer feel that nagging anxiety at what may come next. I don't know and that's ok. Life is an adventure and I'm just along for the ride. I like riding the light rail and passing the abandoned buildings and wondering what great things used to be made in there. I like sitting quietly and enjoying the silence. I don't jump at loud noises anymore or think every thud is a mortar. Life is good.

Glimmer

There is finally a glimmer of hope sprouting through. The meds are making me feel MUCH better. I think there is a normal person in here somewhere trying to get back out. Anyway, I have had some positive things starting to happen. I've gotten some monkeys off of my back and I can let a huge sigh of relief go now. I see the stresses I was experiencing last week starting to melt away. I'm starting to find peace again. This is such a great feeling. I'm still going to keep my appt. at the VA, because I think talking about it and letting it go will be a huge step on the road to getting my life back.
My contract is up next May, and I am really unsure about what I'm going to do. I like having the military as a safety net in case the "real" world doesn't provide income for me, but part of me just wants to walk away and not look back. I feel I have fulfilled my duty to myself and to my country. I think I can walk away with my head held high. But, I'm not going to make this decision overnight nor in the present time. Just something to be thinking about.
I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm ok and I'm getting much better. Thanks to you all for the support you have shown me once again!!!!!!!

The Pieces

Here I sit at 0014 and can't sleep.....again. It seems lately this is becoming a theme. I can't figure out what has gone so wrong since I left Iraq. All the dreams and plans that I was holding so dear have slipped through my fingers. I feel like the pieces of me are being scattered to the wind. I'm falling apart. I sit in my apartment and cry for no reason, but for lots of reasons. I had a flashback the other day at all places the zoo. There was a display that had a sound of something which I have no idea. All I do know is when that kid pushed that red button to play the sound I panicked. It was the exact sound the Klaxon made when the incoming alarm was sounded. I have never had that feeling before and I was immediately flashed to Iraq. I felt so stupid because I actually put my hand out and started to lean as if getting ready to hit the deck. It was the most bazaar feeling I have ever had and one that I don't wish to repeat. I have heard the stories of PTSD flashbacks, and I can honestly say I have experienced my first. I still don't have a job. I have applied to about 30 so far and not received even one call. I am starting to wonder if my once great military experience is now coming back to haunt me. Are employers really that afraid to hire vets because we might get called back to active duty? This is crazy. I have broken up with the guy that I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. Seems things just don't always turn out the way we want them to. But, for some reason I can't stop thinking about him. He is still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. Hence why I can't sleep most nights. I've joined a gym to try and get my mind off of things, but lately I just don't want to leave the apartment. I have gone on antidepressants and I have an appointment with the VA to try and get some counseling. I never in a million years imagined I would have this much trouble coming back from a customs mission. What the heck is wrong with me??? I can't seem to fit all the pieces back together again.