The Pieces

Here I sit at 0014 and can't sleep.....again. It seems lately this is becoming a theme. I can't figure out what has gone so wrong since I left Iraq. All the dreams and plans that I was holding so dear have slipped through my fingers. I feel like the pieces of me are being scattered to the wind. I'm falling apart. I sit in my apartment and cry for no reason, but for lots of reasons. I had a flashback the other day at all places the zoo. There was a display that had a sound of something which I have no idea. All I do know is when that kid pushed that red button to play the sound I panicked. It was the exact sound the Klaxon made when the incoming alarm was sounded. I have never had that feeling before and I was immediately flashed to Iraq. I felt so stupid because I actually put my hand out and started to lean as if getting ready to hit the deck. It was the most bazaar feeling I have ever had and one that I don't wish to repeat. I have heard the stories of PTSD flashbacks, and I can honestly say I have experienced my first. I still don't have a job. I have applied to about 30 so far and not received even one call. I am starting to wonder if my once great military experience is now coming back to haunt me. Are employers really that afraid to hire vets because we might get called back to active duty? This is crazy. I have broken up with the guy that I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. Seems things just don't always turn out the way we want them to. But, for some reason I can't stop thinking about him. He is still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. Hence why I can't sleep most nights. I've joined a gym to try and get my mind off of things, but lately I just don't want to leave the apartment. I have gone on antidepressants and I have an appointment with the VA to try and get some counseling. I never in a million years imagined I would have this much trouble coming back from a customs mission. What the heck is wrong with me??? I can't seem to fit all the pieces back together again.